Sts. Peter & Paul Parish

Please Drive Carefully!

Watch out for the Children!

Catholic School Board Supporters

It is important that we, as Catholics direct our tax dollars to the separate school system.  Only Roman Catholics have the right to direct their support to the separate board.  If either of the joint owners or tenants of a property is not Roman Catholic, then the property is automatically assessed public for school support purposes.  Please verify the intent of your support as a separate school board supporter.

Catechism classes for children attending public schools are held every Sunday, 10:00-11:00 AM at St. Mary’s Parish centre on Hellems Ave. Please use back door. Children from grade one to eight who are in public schools should register for these classes in order to prepare themselves to receive the sacraments of reconciliation, Eucharist and confirmation. Classes have already begun so for those who wish to participate in theses classes come and register as soon as possible. Sr. Margherita SSC.

Some reflections on the need and the blessing of vacation from Pope Benedict XVI
            “I hope everybody, especially those who feel a great need for it, can have a bit of vacation, to recharge physical and spiritual energies and regain a healthy contact with nature.
            Mountains, in particular, evoke the ascent of the spirit toward on high, the elevation toward the ‘high altitude’ of our humanity, which, unfortunately, daily life tends to bring down.
            May we all use this somewhat quieter pace of summer recess to enjoy the time God gives us and find fresh energy for prayer and reflection on the deeper meaning of our lives.”

JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR 2009

Open Auditions for Students 14-18 years of age. To star in the production of Jesus Christ Superstar, a rock musical telling of the final days of Christ, we are looking for: Singers, Dancers, Actors, Stage Technicians. If you like rock music and acting we would love to have you as part of our production! To audition or for further information please contact Betty Colaneri at (905) 932-0091 or betty@intriguevent.com

Family Life Education Program

Parents, grandparents and guardians can now visit www.occb.on.ca/english/fullyalive.html to learn more about the Family Life Education program being taught in our NCDSB Catholic elementary schools.

The Fully Alive program was developed and sponsored by the Ontario Conference of Catholic Bishops (OCCB) and is currently being revised. The parents of children in Grades 1, 2, and 3 can now easily access on line the program’s Family Letters and interesting information about the theme your child is currently studying. Using stories, prayers and practical suggestions, parents will see how easy it is to support this newly revised curriculum at home. As the revisions continue with the junior and intermediate curriculum, new information will be added to the site.

Little Boy’s Explanation of God:

“One of God’s main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there ill be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn’t make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn’t have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.”

God’s second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn’t have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn’t go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad’s head asking for something they said you couldn’t have.”

“Atheists are people who don’t believe in God.  I don’t think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren’t any who come to our church. Jesus is God’s Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach people who did not want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching them and they crucified him. But he was good and kind, like his Father, and he told his Father that they did not know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.”

World Youth Day Pilgrimage

July 2008

Sydney, Australia

This pilgrimage was sponsored by the Youth Ministry Office, Diocese of St. Catharines.

For Information phone (905) 684-0154 Ext. 30 or Email: youth@vaxxine.com

World Youth Day Commissioning Mass - Bishop James Wingle celebrated a Commissioning Mass for the WYD participants, their families and friends on Thursday, July 3rd at St. Thomas Aquinas Parish at 7 PM. Light refreshments were served in the parish hall after Mass. Everyone was welcome.

More than 500 million tuned in for WYD Stations of the Cross. Sydney, July 18, 2008 / 09:36 am (CNA) .- Spectacular scenes were played out across Sydney city’s landmarks, as part of the re-enactment of the Stations of the Cross for WYD. An audience of half a billion tuned in to watch the performance that involved around 80 performers and was played out by young people at six major venues. Over 270,000 international and local spectators also made their way to points around the city to watch the Stations of the Cross live and on big screen televisions. The first station held on the steps of St Mary’s Cathedral was attended by Pope Benedict XVI who led the prayer. “Make us generous and insightful as we try to walk in your footsteps,” the Holy Father prayed. The Pope then watched the procession on television from St. Mary’s Cathedral Crypt. The procession moved through the Domain, a large open space in Sydney; the Art Gallery of NSW; and the Sydney Opera House, where the actor playing Jesus, Alfio Stuto 27, received the crown of thorns. At Darling Harbour, the stations were played out on a wharf built across the small bay specifically for the purpose before travelling by ferry to Barangaroo. A somber and reverent mood permeated the crowds, previously filled with cheering and chanting. “It is truly a different mood here. Sydney has taken on a somber, more reflective mood,” said Fr Mark Podesta WYD08 spokesman, “The pilgrims are recognizing the gravity of the passion of the Christ.” Camillus Okane, a 21-year-old university student, was chosen to do play the role of Thomas. “It was a touching experience, in a special way to see the reactions of the people, some of them were crying, others were praying. It made an impact,” he said. The director of the Stations of the Cross, Fr Franco Cavarra, has been preparing this presentation since December when a group of young people were chosen to play the roles. Over 90 wardrobes were created for twenty people, three months prior to the presentation. The dramatic highlight was the crucifixion of Jesus in a 3.5 meter (11.48 ft.) cross, upon the elevated stage at Barangaroo. The performance concluded when Jesus’ body was carried from the cross and through the crowd watching at Barangaroo. “It was a fairly realistic representation of what actually happened,” said Rachel, a local pilgrim from Sydney. “It felt very solemn,” she continued. “The music was very suitable. Overall, everyone paid a lot of attention to it.”  After the Stations of the Cross performance, Pope Benedict met with a group of disadvantaged youth at the University of Notre Dame in Sydney.

23rd World Youth Day 2008
July 15-20, Sydney, Australia

1. Theme
The theme for the 23rd World Youth Day is “You will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you will be my witnesses ” (Acts 1:8). In preparation for WYD in Australia, the Great South Land of the Holy Spirit, Pope Benedict XVI proposed a three-year itinerary in which young people would follow a thread connecting the Holy Spirit with mission. 2006 focused on the Holy Spirit, Spirit of Truth, who leads us to Jesus Christ and allows us to meet him personally, especially in the Word of God. In 2007 the focus is on the Holy Spirit, Spirit of Love, who helps us see the needs of our brothers and sisters and urges us to put the Word of God into action through charity. The theme for 2008 will help us to understand that the Holy Spirit, Spirit of courage and witness, awakens our charity, renews us within and gives us the strength to proclaim and witness to the Gospel.

The Holy Father will send his customary message to the youth of the world illustrating the WYD theme. As soon as it is available, the Pontifical Council for the Laity will send it to bishops’ conferences and international youth movements, associations and communities. It will also be accessible on the Vatican website:www.vatican.va/gmg.html. The message for 2007 is already available. (The messages will also be reachable through the Sydney World Youth Day website).

2. Programme of events (15-20 July 2008)
World Youth Day will be officially opened at the Opening Mass presided by Cardinal George Pell, Archbishop of Sydney, on Tuesday 15 July 2008. It will take place at a large venue within central Sydney to be announced by the organisers soon.
The 16, 17 and 18 July 2008 will be a “triduum” or three days of preparation leading up to the Vigil and Mass with the Holy Father.
The traditional catechesis will take place on each of these three mornings. Bishops from all over the world will give catechesis in specific languages in churches and meeting halls around metropolitan Sydney.
Throughout the three days, special importance will be given to the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It will be available in various languages at the catechesis sites, and especially at the Reconciliation Centre adjacent to Saint Mary’s Cathedral. This Centre will also have place for Eucharistic adoration and prayer beside the WYD Cross.
In the afternoons and evenings of these three days (16, 17, 18 July) the Youth Festival will take place (cf n.3) at locations around the city centre.
The welcome for the Holy Father will take place on the afternoon of Thursday 17 July with the Holy Father travelling by boat on Sydney Harbour to a solemn Welcome Ceremony at the same central Sydney location as the Opening Mass.
On Friday 18 July in the evening there will be the Way of the Cross through the streets of Sydney and along the foreshores of Sydney Harbour.
The culmination of World Youth Day will be the Vigil with the Holy Father on Saturday night 19 July and the Papal Mass on the morning of Sunday 20 July. This will take place at Randwick Racecourse, 9 km from Sydney city centre. The Pilgrim Walk to the Racecourse will include a walk across the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

3. Youth Festival
The Youth Festival will take place in different parts of Sydney during the afternoons and evenings from 16 to 18 July (except for the time dedicated to the Welcome Ceremony and the Way of the Cross). The purpose of the Youth Festival is to allow young people from all over the world to share their artistic, religious and spiritual experiences of faith and life.

 The Youth Festival will include prayer meetings, vigils, exhibits, concerts, recitals, theatre, dance and film presentations, gatherings with diocesan bishops, and get-togethers prepared by movements, associations, communities and religious congregations.

4. Days in the Australian and New Zealand Dioceses (10-14 July 2008)
It has become a tradition of World Youth Day for the dioceses of the host country to offer hospitality to young pilgrims on their way to the WYD host city. The dioceses of Australia (with the exception of the WYD host diocese, Sydney, and the other dioceses of metropolitan Sydney - Broken Bay, Parramatta and Wollongong), and those of New Zealand, extend this invitation in 2008 to all groups from around the world who would like to avail of this opportunity.

The Sydney WYD website:www.wyd2008.org.

SYDNEY, Australia, July 20, 2008 (Zenit.org) - The 23rd World Youth Day in Sydney was a "wonderful experience," Benedict XVI says.

            The Pope affirmed this Monday morning local time in a brief address to thank the volunteers who worked at the event.             "I am pleased to have this opportunity to bid farewell to all of you and to say what a wonderful experience this week has been," the Holy Father said. "During these days we have been able to witness at first hand the joy that so many thousands of young people find in their faith, and we have been able to offer praise and thanksgiving to God for his goodness to us."
            Alluding to the theme for the youth event, the Pontiff told the volunteers: "Your efforts have prepared the ground for the Spirit to come down in power, forging bonds of unity and friendship among young people from widely differing backgrounds, and rekindling their love for Jesus Christ and his Church." Benedict XVI said the youth represented the Catholicism of the Church.
"In the crowds that have assembled here in Sydney we have seen a vivid expression of the unity-in-diversity of the universal Church, a vision in microcosm of the united human family that we long to see," he said. "In the power of the Spirit, may these young people make that vision a reality in the world of tomorrow."
            SYDNEY, Australia, JULY 21, 2008 (Zenit.org).- Benedict XVI has shown that World Youth Days are an ordinary part of the Church's life, not just an invention of Pope John Paul II. Cardinal George Pell, archbishop of Sydney, affirmed this before Benedict XVI gave his final blessing to some 400,000 gathered at Randwick Racecourse on Sunday for the closing of the 23rd World Youth Day…  Cardinal Pell thanked the pilgrims for traveling to his country, noting that such an undertaking isn't easy…
            …Addressing the Pope, the prelate thanked him for having made World Youth Day an "ordinary part" of the Church's life…
            Cardinal Stanislaw Rylko, president of the Pontifical Council for the Laity, addressed the Pontiff and the pilgrims, saying the youth are "a wonderful illustration of a young Church, filled with hope, with the joy of faith, and with missionary courage."… We have been aware of the breath and power of the Spirit among us."…

Daughters of St. Joseph - A group for girls aged 11-17 with retreats and events throughout the year.  Retreats including spiritual talks, prayers and fun activities to help them to grow in their love for God and the Catholic Church.   The girls make a commitment to pray and try and live a good Catholic life.  www.solisisters.ca/SOLIapostolatestJoe

Daughters of Holy Mary - The Daughters of Holy Mary is group for young women aged 18-30 who wish to grow in their spiritual lives by gathering together for a monthly meeting.  The program includes: Adoration, spiritual talks and fellowship.  Every 3rd Sunday of the Month at Marian Residence, Cambridge, Ontario. 

For more information or to register for these events, please contact Sister Mary Catherine soli@golden.net - (519) 653-6752 - www.solisisters.ca

Catholics believe that a shrine is a holy place, usually where an apparition or other miracle took place, or where a saint lived, worked, died etc. Shrines are often connected to or located inside a chapel or church where the faithful can pray and worship God, especially through the Holy Sacrifice of the Holy Eucharist.

An apparition is an appearance of Jesus, Mary, or one of the saints. It’s a not physical presence of the holy person but an appearance - an image being imprinted on the senses. This is the reason that not everyone sees or hears the apparitions. Those who do are called visionaries. Catholics aren’t obligated to believe in any particular apparition, because apparitions aren’t part of public revelation. The Church does, however, carefully investigate claims of alleged apparitions and then makes one of the following determinations:
            It’s a hoax. Someone is pretending to see apparitions, when in reality, they’re lies or staged illusions.
            Natural causes can explain it. Evidence of a supernatural occurrence is nonexistent.
            The phenomenon can’t be explained one way or the other. An evidence of supernatural occurrence is inconclusive - too many unanswered questions and not enough, if any evidence.
            The devil is at work. It’s a supernatural event all right but not of heavenly origin. Rather, it’s an attempt by the devil to ridicule and mock the faith.
            It’s supernatural event of heavenly origin. The apparition is credible and worthy of faithful pilgrims.  

The Church condemns any and all hoaxes as well as any trick of the devil and repudiates any of natural explanations. It only endorses authentic apparitions of supernatural and heavenly origin. If the evidence that surrounds a particular apparition is inconclusive either way, then pilgrims are neither discouraged nor encouraged.

Even if the Church determines that an  apparition is worthy of belief, Catholics aren’t obligated to believe it as they’re obligated to believe the words of the Apostles’ Creed or Sacred Tradition. Catholics are free to disbelieve apparitions, because they aren’t considered revealed truth. But many saints and recent popes have given full support to all apparition places and shrines deemed legitimate and authentic.

Most accounts of apparitions are appearances of Mary to children and simple, humble people of faith. She asks them to pray to her Son, pray for sinners, do penance, pray Rosary daily for world peace, and live holy lives in obedience do God.

Anytime weird messages or secrets are supposedly released, particularly if someone claims to know when the world will end, the Church says that you can be assured that it’s not authentic. The reason, according to the Church, is that Jesus said, “But as for that day and hour, nobody knows it, neither the angels of heaven, nor the Son, no one but the Father alone,” (Matthew 24:36). So why would his mom blab and spill the beans if Jesus wouldn’t when asked?

Here is listing of some famous Marian shrines and/or apparition sites that the Church has sanctioned:
Our Lady of Snows, Italy (A.D. 352),
Our Lady of Walsingham, England (1061),
The Black Madonna of Częstochowa, Poland (1382),
Our Lady of Guadalupe, Mexico (1531),
Our Lady of La Vang, Vietnam (1798),
Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal, Paris, France (183),
Our Lady of la Salette, France (1846),
Our Lady of Lourdes, France (1858). Jubilee Year of 150th Anniversary Dec.8th 2007-2008.
Our Lady of Knock, Ireland (1879),
Our Lady of Fatima, Portugal (1917)

Briefly about some of the famous Marian shrines that the Church has sanctioned:

Our Lady of Snows, Italy. In A.D. 352 several prayerful folks had the same dream: Mary told them that she would indicate the site on which to build a church in her honour by a miraculous snowfall. Now known as St. Mary Major (Santa Maria Maggiore), it’s one of the four major basilicas in Rome.

Our Lady of Walsingham, England. In gratitude for a favour received through the intercession of Our Lady, a wealthy woman built a small chapel to honour her in 1061. It inspired many pilgrims, the weak and the powerful, the poor and the wealthy, until Henry VIII put a stop to it.

The Black Madonna of Częstochowa (Jasna Góra), Poland (1382). Pious tradition maintains that St. John, the Beloved disciple, painted an icon of the Virgin Mary sometimes after Christ’s Crucifixion on the cross. In the Gospel  (John 19:26-27) Jesus entrusted his mother to John’s care before his death. St. Luke also painted Mary’s portrait, which may have been based on the icon done by St. John’s, or done by himself with the mother of Jesus present. And pious tradition also has it that St. Helena, the founder of the True Cross in the fourth century and the mother of Emperor Constantine, was the one who discovered this painting. The icon eventually made its way through Russia (present Ukraine) to Czestochowa, where it has been enshrined since 1382. No matter where the icon originally came from or who painted it, the fact remains that it has been one of the great spiritual treasures in Poland since 1382.

Somehow during the Muslim invasions, the image made its way to Poland through Russia. Polish prince St. Ladislaus (Władysław Opolczyk), kept it safe in his castle until the Tartar invaders threatened to overrun Poland. Intending to move it to his hometown of Opole, Prince Ladislaus stopped overnight in Jasna Góra. According to the tradition, the next morning, the horses refused to move while the image was in the carriage. So he entrusted the icon hereafter known as the Madonna of Częstochowa and Jasna Góra.

Today, the Black Madonna resides in a magnificent basilica in Częstochowa. Some say her face is black from attempts to destroy her, claiming that the heretical Hussites set it on fire but it would not burn. Others maintain that it is from the hundreds of candles burning in front of it for centuries. On one occasion, it’s said that Tartar soldier drew his sword and struck it twice, hence the two gashes to  this day on her right cheek. The story continues that when he made a third attempt to strike the icon with his sword, before he could complete the swing of his arm, he yelled in pain and dropped dead of a massive heart attack.

Millions of pilgrims visit the town and Basilica of Częstochowa where the icon remains on display. Providently, the painting survived the diabolical Nazi invasion and occupation and then the Communist takeover until Poland became independent again.

A replica of the icon adorns the National Shrine of our Lady of Częstochowa in Doylestown, Pennsylvania, not far from Philadelphia.

Our Lady of Guadalupe, Mexico: Juan Diego was a 57-year-old Aztec-Indian. While walking north of Mexico City in the Tepayac hill country, on December 12, 1531, he saw the Virgin Mary, but she had the appearance of an Aztec woman, not a European, and she was pregnant. She directed St. Juan Diego to go to the local bishop and tell him that she wanted a church built in her honour. After waiting several hours to see bishop Fray Juan de Zumarraga, St. Juan Diego was granted an audience. The bishop needed a sign from heaven that this was indeed God’s will to fulfill Mary’s request.

Our Lady appeared to St. Juan Diego in 1531, leaving her image on his cloak. Today, a famous basilica in Mexico City now hosts her picture.

Juan Diego told Mary what the bishop had requested, and she told him to gather roses from a bush that appeared out of nowhere. These Castilian roses were not indigenous to Mexico, and certainly not in cold December, but they were popular in Spain. It just so happened that the bishop’s hobby was gardening, and he’d been an official expert back in Spain before being sent to Mexico.

Juan carried the roses in his tilma (cloak) to the bishop, opened his garment, and the bishop fell to his knees. Not only were the roses beautiful and rare, but also, like in  the scriptural passage is described, appeared a woman, who is “clothed with the sun and upon her head a crown of twelve stars with the moon under her feet and she was with child.” (Revelation 12:1-12

To this day, science can’t explain how that image got onto the tilma. It’s not painted, dyed, sewn, printed, sealed, or the product of any man-made process, nor is it a natural phenomenon. It remains on display in the new large Basilica Church in Mexico City where Pope John Paul II canonized Juan Diego in 2002. Millions of people from all around the world visit this holy place.

           

Our Lady of La Vang, Vietnam. In 1798 a fierce persecution aimed at Catholics forced some to take refuge in the forest. Clustered together, praying Rosary nightly, these Vietnamese faithful see a consoling apparition of the Mother of God. A church is later built on the spot.

Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal, Paris, France: Our Lady appears to St. Catherine Laboure, a member of the order called Sisters of Charity, in 1980. Communicating the exact design, Our Lady asks St. Catherine that a medal be struck in her honour.

Our Lady of la Salette, France: Tending their cows in a pasture, a young girl named Melanie and a young boy named Maximin, both born into poverty, see a tall lady who never stops weeping in 1846. Our Lady tells them, in a nutshell, that folks need to be straighten up their act and start praying or else. A beautiful Alpine shrine now marks the spot.

Our Lady of Lourdes, France (1958).

Our Lady of Knock, Ireland: Our Lady, St. Joseph, and St. John the Evangelist appear to 15 humble, hardworking Catholics of various ages in 1897. Many pilgrims experienced healings, and a shrine was built.

Our Lady of Fatima, Portugal (1917).

PRAYER OF A SINGLE PERSON

Remember, most loving Virgin Mary, never was it heard that anyone who turned to you for help was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, though burdened by my sins, I run to your protection for you are my mother. Mother of the Word of God, do not despise my words of pleading but be merciful and hear my prayer.

(St. Bernard’s Prayer).

                    For more information:  http://www.cccb.ca/MediaReleases.htm

                    Catholic Youth Studio broadcasts its Polish-language programs each evening starting at 8:00 PM. You can tune in live through the internet at http://www.ksmradio.com. I encourage you to put this information into your respective parish bulletins. If you would like more detailed information, you can contact Fr. Marian directly or visit the above website for information in Polish or http://www.catholicradio.ca for information on Catholic Radio in English.

                    Forty new volunteers are needed for Big Brother Big Sister program, and 20 new male and female volunteers required for our In-School mentoring Program. As little as 1 hour a week will help in the development of a youth in our community, because two years is too long to wait for a Big Brother or a Big Sister when you are a kid.

               "The data suggest there may be an association, meaning people with higher levels of spirituality and religiosity have a slower progression of Alzheimer's disease," said Dr. Yakir Kaufman, director of neurology services at Sarah Herzog Memorial Hospital in Jerusalem. Kaufman, who conducted the research while a fellow at the Baycrest Centre for Geriatric Care in Toronto, was to present the findings April 13 at the annual meeting of the American Academy of Neurology, in Miami Beach.

                In 1563, a group of French explorers found themselves abandoned in the New World. The ship that dropped them off was gone for good, and their new colony was a failure. Now with their supplies running as low as their spirits, all they thought about was going home.

                They needed to build a ship but had no skilled shipbuilders amoung them. But what choice did they have? So those explorers chopped trees and slowly managed to build a fine-looking craft. Finally, with prayers to God and the saints, they launched their ship, said goodbye to the New World, and sailed for France.

                Very soon, however, the ship began to leak. Soon the men watched helplessly as their ship split apart and threw them into the ocean. Few survived. I think of those poor explorers now and then when I look at the half-completed hull in my garage. My son and I enjoy building small wooden boats, and we're getting better at it. But boat building isn't something you just go out and do. You need and experianced builder to how you the way. A modern boat builder still needs to use skills and procedures that haven't changed in 5,000 years. The more the modern boat builder is in touch with these traditional methods and skills, the better chance the boat will float.

                The same is true of our prayers. We live in a modern world of science and psychology, which can enrich our prayer lives. But much about prayer and human nature hasn't changed in thousands of years, and our prayer can only benefit from getting more deeply in touch with the wisdom of our ancestors. What is this wisdom and how do we tap into it? Here are a few suggestions:

.... * Don't be afraid of ritual. Ritual has gotten a bad name lately. I almost never see the world without some sort of qualifier like empty or meaningless. Like anything valuable, ritual can be misused, but it is rooted in the human psyche and has been at the heart of our tradition from the beginning. Ritual, whether as simple as making Sign of the Cross and saying the Lord's Prayer, or as complex as the Mass, gives us a sense of the familiar.

.... * Join the daily prayer of the Church. Our ancestors knew the importance of merging prayer into the rhythms of our lives. Don't feel guildty if you cannot make time to pray the Liturgy of the Hours. Even the habit of a simple prayer of thankfulness and praise to God in the morning and evening can help us concentrate our lives to Christ.

.... * Live the liturgical year. Our tradition teaches us how important it is to really keep Sunday as the Lord's Day and to let the seasons unfold in our lives - savouring each day of Advent as Christmas draws near or celebrating the whole 50 days of Easter. The mystery of Christ is revealed throughout the whole year, and our lives as Christians can be shped by a lifetime of living its fasts and feasts.

.... * Pray the Mass devotionally. By this I mean bringing to the liturgy a spirit of prayerful devotion, of surrendering mind and heart and will to God. It means putting aside our personal tastes and theological agendas and joining the whole bod of christ in christ's great liturgy. It means being prayerfully attentive to the liturgy, listening for the words or phrases where God touches our lives.

.... * Pray devotions. The Mass was never intended to be the liit of prayer life. Devotional prayer is still important. devotions and the Mass have the same end: to offer praise to God, and to foster conversion, so we may say with St. Paul, "It is not I who lives, but Christ lives in me."

.... * Pray with the earth. Our Church has a long tradition of ember days, held in each of the four seasons. These are days of penance and of thanksgiving for the fruits of the earth that sustain us. We still need to give God thanks and praise for the goodness of our earth - and a little penance for the ways we mistreat it would not hurt either.

                The Church has amassed a huge treasure of wisom and experience that each of us needs to tap into and put into practice. It helps us to stay afloat when storms batter the door.

WORLDS GREATEST PRAYERS - Family prayer: Kick it up a notch.

1.  The Lord's Prayer, especially the words: Thy kigndom come, Thy will be done. The best traditional prayer is rooted in Scripture and encourages us to surrender your will to God's.

2.  Kyrie Eleison: Lord have mercy. This is not so musch a pleas as an acclamation of praise, proclaiming that they Lord is merciful. Letting a chanted version of the Greek text roll in my head during the workday connects me to Sunday Mass, helps me to praise God, and encourages me to be compassionate.

3. "...Which Earth has given and human hands have made: it will become for us the Bread of Life." This prayer is offered, often quietly, by the priest while preparing the gifts - I like to repeat this prayer and reflect on it, especially as I'm getting ready for work. It's a powerful reminder that the work of our hands is part of the Eucharist, and that, in Christ through the power of the Spirit, we, too, become the Bread of Life, offered for the life of the world.

4. "May we come to share in the divinity of Christ, who humbled Himself to share in our humanity." This is another prayer from the preparation of the gifts. reflecting on this text helps me prepare for the Eucharist. God became human, said St. Athanasius, so humans could become God. What does that mean for the way I live my life?

5. "Look not on our sins but on the faith of your church." This prayer from the Communion rite invites me to humbly acknowledge my own sinfulness, but to remember I am not in this alone: God gathers a community. I am part of the people of God, the Body of Christ, the Communion of Saints. We support, believe, and pray with and for one another.
 

Family And Children’s Services Niagara

                Family And Children’s Services Niagara has a tremendous need for foster parents to provide care for children - infants to teens. Currently the number of children in care is at an all time high. Financial Support and ongoing training is provided. Please call 905-937-7731 or toll free 1-888-937-7731. We’ll be very glad to hear from you.

                    Christ performed his first miracle at a marriage celebration in Cana. In doing so, he raised an occasion of solemnity and joy to one of sacramental stature. He blessed an institution which had long endured and gave it an additional dimension. In his teaching, he emphasized that this was a union for life.

                    Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman in which they undertake to cherish each other for life in all the vibrations of life. It is a union which is recognized as the natural setting for the conceiving and raising of children. In the growth of a marriage a couple will be having the grace to participate in God’s plan for the full development of families.

                    Marriage and the family are the home for wholesome learning and moral and religious development.

                    For the young, the family provides security, encouragement and discernment in the making of wholesome choices. They are introduced to reverence for God and respect for tradition.

                    For those with young families marriage provides the challenge of discerning what is truly best for their children, the hard work of leading them to the best use of their talents in the service of others and to a deep respect and love for themselves, their neighbours and their God.

                    For those  of mature years, marriage provides a glimpse of immortality as newer generations become contributors to the common good. At a certain stage in life it is possible to look across five generations and see the development in a family, to follow children and grandchildren through their religious growth and sacramental development, to remember the generations that introduced you to Christ and his teachings.

All of this is what the Church nourishes and marriage serves.

                    Everyone knows that the Supreme Court of Canada has handed down a decision regarding same sex “marriage”. This decision allows the Canadian Parliament, if they choose, to redefine Marriage to include same sex couples.  The Knights of Columbus in conjunction with the Ontario Council of Catholic Bishops has embarked on an action plan to protect the Sanctity of Marriage.

                   We are asking for everyone to write to their Member of Parliament, House of Commons, Ottawa, ON K1A 0A6 and you do not need a stamp when writing to your MP at the House of Commons. Secondly we are asking everyone to write to Prime Minister Paul Martin, the same address, to ask him to allow for true free vote in parliament on the proposed same sex marriage legislation.  As it stands he has said he would allow a free vote only for the back benchers  but not for the Cabinet. It is believed if there was a true free vote by all MP’s the legislation would not pass.

                   The Diocesan Separated and Divorced Support Group meetings are discontinued at least through the summer months. Anyone interested in helping with this ministry is asked to call Margaret at (905) 687-8817. Updates will be posted  in parish bulletins and on the Diocesan website at: www.romancatholic.niagara.on.ca

1... God won’t ask what kind of car you drove; He’ll ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation.
2... God won’t ask the square footage of your house, He’ll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
3... God won’t ask about the clothes you had in your closet; He’ll ask how many you helped to clothe.
4... God won’t ask what your highest salary was; He’ll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.
5...  God won’t ask what your job title was; he’ll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.
6... God won’t ask how many friends you had; he’ll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.
7... God won’t ask in what neighbourhood you lived; he’ll ask how you treated your neighbours.
8... God won’t ask about the colour of your skin; He’ll ask about the content of your character.
9... God won’t ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation; He’ll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.
10... God won’t ask how many people you forwarded this to; He’ll ask if you were ashamed to pass it on to your friends.

IN THE BEGINNING

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables.
He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts,
Satan created Dairy Queen and Tim Horton's.
And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"
And Man said: "Yes!"
And Woman said: "I'll have one, too...with sprinkles."
And lo and behold they gained 10 pounds.
God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and
deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote so Man would not have to toil changing the
channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lucre jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied: "Yes! And super size'em!"
And Satan said: "It is good."
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
Satan chuckled and created The Canadian Health Care System.

                  "The message of divine mercy is… implicitly a message about the value of every human being. Each person is precious in God’s eyes; Christ gave his life for each one; to everyone the Father gives his Spirit and offers intimacy. This consoling message is addressed above all to those who, afflicted by a particularly harsh trial or crushed by the weight of the sins they committed, have lost all confidence in life  and are tempted to give in to despair. To them the gentle face of Christ is offered… How many souls have been consoled by the prayer ’JESUS, I TRUST IN YOU!"?

              Young Catholic Leadership Program - Is it for you??  Our parish is looking for a small group of young adults to participate in a diocesan Young Catholic Leadership Program. Are you between the ages of 18 and 35? Are you looking for a way to connect with other young adults from our parish and/or the diocese? Are you interested in finding out more about your faith. Contact Fr. Stan or call Joanna at 905-734-6684 for details.

                There are many services available if you need to have an Internet based free E-mail account. Many use Hotmail but it tends to give more trouble than it’s worth. Hotmail users tend to get an overwhelming amount of spam (junk and sometimes obscene messages). Why not try the e-mail service provided at http:/www.catholic.org. They provide 20MB of email storage, filters, and pop3 retrieval from other accounts.

                Couple to couple presentations are being given on the highly effective and reliable Sympto-Thermal method of natural family planning. For more information please call Serena Niagara at 905-643-3375 or 905-646-4926. Let us help you plan your family.

     Participation in Elections

                     The Constitution on the Church in the Modern World, (Documents of Vatican II) #31 … by reason of their special vocation it belongs to the laity to seek the kingdom of God by engaging in temporal affairs and directing them according to God’s will.

                     As Catholics we have an obligation to influence the world around us. We are to witness to God’s plan. We can do this in many effective ways. In a pastoral to be released soon, the Bishops of Ontario challenge us about how we are shaping our province. Did you vote in the last provincial election? Will you vote in the next one? Have you attend meetings before the last election? Did you get actively involved in the campaign? Have you communicated since with your MPP to indicate what you see as morally and politically acceptable in the direction our society is taking?

Retreat Centre:

MOUNT CARMEL
Spiritual Centre
7021 Stanley Ave., Niagara Falls, ON
Tel: 905-356-4113 Fax: 905-358-2548
 www.carmelniagara.com

Come Home Prayer

We invite you to join in the daily recitation of this Come Home prayer:

                  God, Our Father, we pray that your Holy Spirit will lead those who have drifted away from your Church to attend the Come Home program. We prayerfully ask your blessing on those working in the program, so they might be instruments of peace and reconciliation in reaching out to alienated Catholics. We ask this in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Lord, You said that those who do the will of the Father will enter the Kingdom. Your servant Anthony Kowalczyk, imitating Your Immaculate servant Mary, came to love Your will with all his heart and tirelessly tried to fulfil it. Awaken within us a desire to follow his example of loving service so that your Your holy will may become the most important motivation for our daily prayer, work and life. Grant us (me), through his intercession ... (name the grace requested). Grant that he may be be declared Blessed by the Church, so as to serve as intercessor and guide on the way to salvation. Grant this trough Christ, our Lord. Amen.

If you have received any favours please write to:

Why is the wedding ring worn on the third finger of the left hand?
Brewer’s Dictionary of Phrase & Fable states: “Aulus Gellius tells us that Appianus asserts in his Egyptian books that a very delicate nerve runs from the fourth finger of the left hand to the heart, on which account this finger is used for the marriage ring.”

Humour, Quotes and Trivia:

GETTING THE PICTURE

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately nailed in his 40.

Catholic Digest, Jul/Aug 2009

QUICK-THINKING SISTERS

During a fire at a convent, some nuns were trapped on the third floor. Thinking quickly, they took off their habits, tied them together, and used them as a rope to climb to safety. Later, a reporter asked, “Weren’t you worried that the habits would rip as you were climbing down? They look old and worn.” “Of course not!” said one of the nuns. ”Don’t you know how hard it is to break an old habit?”

Catholic Digest, Jul/Aug 2009

A FINE EXCUSE

At traffic, the judge asked the motorist: “Why did you park your car there?” The man replied: “Well, there was a sign that clearly said: ’Fine for parking!”

Catholic Digest, Jul/Aug 2009  

GETTING THE PICTURE

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately nailed in his 40.

Catholic Digest, Jul/Aug 2009

BLESSED ARE THE LISTENERS

A mother with a fidgety 7-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet during Mass. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, “If you don’t be quiet, Father is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!”

Catholic Digest, Jul/Aug 2009

A small boy was wandering the halls of our church, clearly lost.  “Do you need help?“ asked a  member of the congregation. The boy glanced up and down the hallway then answered : “I am looking for a tall woman. Her first name is Mom.”

William R. Harris

Go ask Alex

One Sunday morning after Mass, the pastor noticed 7-year-old Alex staring at the large plaque in the church foyer. It was covered with names and small American flags.
"Pastor, what’s this? Asked Alex.
It’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the pastor replied.
In a trembling voice, Alex asked, "Which service, the 8 o’clock or the 10?"

Philosophy 101

-  If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
-  A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
-  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
-  For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
-  He who hesitates is probably right.

Love puts
the fun in together,
the sad in apart,
the hope in tomorrow,
the joy in a heart.

Keeping Up With the Consequences

My 6-year-old grandson, Billy, was misbehaving, so his mother told him, “When you do bad things, you have to live with the consequences.”

Without pause, he asked eagerly, “Do they have a pool?”

Suzan L. Wiener, “Catholic Digest”

“You can’t have peaks without valleys. When you’re down it will get better. You really aren’t in control of your life. You can make decisions that are good for you or bad for you. You have free will. But there is a divine plan and you have to trust that, even during the most hurtful times.”

John Whelpley, Catholic Digest, June 2003

“With Americans today everything is now. And that is true even in the way we deal with medicine. Holistic medical therapies sometimes take time and patience. In America we’ve got a hundred channels on television; we’ve got cell phones and computers; information is at our fingertips. We want results fast. We want the pharmaceutical approach or the surgical approach, which ultimately should be the last resort. But that’s what we’re used to. As we become more complex we long for simplicity. I think the Church is always reminding us of this. However, no matter what kind of medicine [doctors] were battling over, it’s clear to me we’re still in God’s hands, you, me, all of us.”

John Whelpley, Catholic Digest, June 2003

Disturb us, O Lord,
When we are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true because
We dreamed too little;
When we have arrived in safety because we sailed
Too close to the shore.

Disturb us, O Lord,
When with the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst fo the water of life;
When, having fallen in love with time,
We have ceased to dream of eternity;
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
Have allowed our vision for the New Heaven to grow dim.

Stir us, O Lord,
To dare more boldly,
To venture seas where storms shall show thy mastery,
Where losing sight of land
We shall find the stars.

In the name of Him
Who pushed back the horizons of our hopes
And invited the brave to follow Him.
Amen.

Father Benny’s Personal Prayer, Catholic Digest

Quicker Than Mom

A baby caribou is so swift, it can easily outrun its mother when it is only three days old.

Absolute Trivia Web site, Catholic Digest

The Trouble With Neil

My former teacher, Sister Lucia, had 50 students in one class. After herding her brood into church for weekly Mass, she noticed one of the boys acting up. She cleared her throat. Finally, in exasperation, she hissed, “Neil!” Immediately, all 50 students dropped to their knees.

Ann S. Boland, Catholic Digest

Turn Off That Music

A man went to his doctor complaining that he heard music in his head every time he wore his hat. The doctor could find nothing wrong and suggested that the patient see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist took the hat into another room and when he returned with it he asked the man to put it on. The music was gone. Astonished, the man asked the psychiatrist what he had done.

“I removed the band.”

HEALTHY SNACKING TIP:

The healthiest part of the donut is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there”

Catholic Digest, February 2003

Two novice hunters were dragging a deer back to their truck when another hunter happened by. “I don’t want to tell you what to do,” he said. “but it’s easier if you drag the deer the other way so the antlers don’t dig into the ground.”
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it his way. After a while, one said to the other: “Man, that guy was right. This is easier.”
“Yeah,” the other replied, “but we keep getting farther and farther away from the truck.”

Rob Howell

Adam and Eve had the ideal marriage.  He didn’t have to hear about all the guys she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear how good a cook his mother was.

Wendy Boyd

A church sign:
Confession without repentance is just bragging.

Man's way  leads to a hopeless end - God's way leads to an endless hope.

A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

Or Stop Driving
Most Accidents happen within 25 miles of home. Time to move.

Unknown, Catholic Digest

Trouble Goes There
You can’t run from trouble, there ain’t no place that far.

Splash Mountain, Catholic Digest

TAKE TIME
 Take time to think; it is the source of power.
 Take time to read; it is the foundation of wisdom.
 Take time to play; it is the secret of staying young.
 Take time to be quiet; it is the opportunity to seek God.
 Take time to be aware; it is the opportunity to help others.
 Take time to love and be loved; it is God’s greatest gift.
 Take time to laugh; it is the music of the soul.
 Take time to be friendly; it is the road to happiness.
 Take time to dream; it is what the future is made of.
 Take time to pray; it is the greatest power on earth.

Missed the Point

        My wife, Susan, and I attended a introductory meeting for Marriage Encounter. Before the prceedings, I got into an interesting conversation with a man whose nametag read "FRED". I noticed, however, that whenever I called him "Fred" he gave me a strange look. Later, when I told Susan about Fred's odd behaviour, she stared at me as if I had lost my mind. "Didn't you see the period? That's Father Ed!"

Edward A. Joseph, "Catholic Register" June 2002

Why Nothing Matters
There must be more to life than having everything.

Maurice Sendak

Faith promises. Hope carries. Love gives. Even in our darkest hour, when meaning seems lost, on behalf of our own heart’s desire, faith still fights. Hope still holds. Love still lives.

Suzette Boulais

On my first night shift at my new job, I was nervous and wanted to make sure I did everything just right. I carefully checked off everything on the to-do list, until I came to the last item: check flashlight batteries.
I searched everywhere for a battery tester or battery strip, but with no luck. As a last resort, I phoned my boss to ask her how to check the batteries.
There was a long pause before she said, „Turn the flashlight on."

Sue Walker, Okanagan Falls, B.C.

Tap, Tap, Tapping on Hubby’s Door

During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice for two days. To help me communicate, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, “Give me a kiss.” Two taps meant Yes. Seven taps meant No. And 95 taps meant, “Take out the garbage.”

Funny Bone

St. Gram, Bestower of Medals

When our new grandson Luke was born, one aunt sent him a St. Luke medal. His 5-year-old brother, Matthew, was upset so I promptly got him one too. After I handed it to him, Matthew looked it over and then came to inspect my own Scapular medal.

“Is that a St. Grammy medal?” he asked. Walter and Jean Fleagle

A Well-traveled State

How can you visit – without flying – the following places in less than a week?  Wales, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Egypt, China, Mexico, and Peru. Now throw in Vienna, Paris, Naples, Rome, Palermo, Madrid, Lisbon, Dresden, Athens, Belfast, Limerick, and Stockholm.

Take a bus through Maine! Jill Marie Bonnier

Rock ‘n’ Wry

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. She said, "I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. What is your secret for a long, happy life?”
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said, "and I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”
"Wow, that’s amazing,” the woman said. "How old are you?”
"Twenty-six,” he answered. Rave Humor list.

Tax Time Is Coming

Father O’Malley answers the phone.. .
„Hello, is this Father O’Malley?" „It is"
„This is the IRS. Can you help us?"   „I can"
„Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" „I do"
„Is he a member of your congregation?" „He is"
„Did he donate $10,000?" (pause)
„He will."

Interesting Notices:

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Sisters of Mercy.

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

One-hit Wonder

The artist Vincent van Gog is said to have sold only one painting in his entire lifetime.

(Mulligan Stew‘n Chestnuts, Too Newsletter)

Hey, Mom!

I you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and start looking comfortable.

(www.coolsing.com)

Flight Challenged

One day, my 5-year-old grandson announced that he was running away from home. He packed his clothes, put on his shoes, and just sat there. I asked him why he wasn’t leaving. He said, “I can’t tie my shoes.”

(Thomas LaMance)

Real Nice

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

(Dave Barry)

When Love Means Less

Love conquers all, unless of course you’re playing tennis.

(www.coolsing.com)

The Smaller Ones Are Friendlier

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that’s not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

(Robert Orben)

It’s the First Step That Counts

If you can walk, you can dance. If you can talk, you can sing.

(Zimbabwean Proverb)

Invisible Pun

When an express train to London made an unscheduled stop at Reading, the philosopher C.E.M. Joad climbed aboard. “You’ve got to get off, sir,” the conductor told him.  “This train doesn’t stop here.” “In that case,” replied Joad, “don’t worry. I’m not on it.”

(Clean Laffs)

It Would Work, Though

Everybody wants to save the earth – nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.

(P.J. O’Rourke)

Slow Down or Crack Up

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.

(Bertrand Russel)

Can’t Afford Not To

Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don’t.

(Peter Seeger)

Hands up

In Copenhagen, Denmark, after worried passerby saw employees inside bank holding their hands in the air, someone called the police. When officers arrived, they found the workers were taking yoga lessons.

(Herm Albright)

Remember:

A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

God’s Kiss

The most wonderful kiss I ever received was on a crisp fall day when orange coloured leaves covered the ground and pumpkins parted from their decaying vines at the edge of the garden. As I walked between the path of trees, I saw the sun’s rays shining through bare branches as God’s kiss slid down a ray of light and kissed may cheek. How beautiful and lovely it was to me.

(Helen Parisi)

Mislaid, Misfiled, Mislabeled

The typical Canadian/American spends the equivalent of four days a year looking for objects gone astray, according to one survey. In another, executives reported that the average office workers may spend upward of two hours each day (or six weeks per day) trying to locate or redo what’s been mislabeled, misfiled, or otherwise misplaced.

(Ode to Disarray and Delay by Dale Burg)

Oh, Really?

Can you translate the following?
YYURYYUBICURYY4ME
Answer:  Too wise you are, too wise you be; I see you are too wise for me.

(Daily Riddle)

Bear’s a Honey

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.

(Winnie the Pooh)

One Eye Open

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

(Woody Allen)

One Lightweights

Too many people are ready to carry the stool when the piano needs to be moved.

(Anonymous)

Amazing

A species of sponge, called the Red Sponge, can be pushed through a piece of fabric so it is broken into thousands of tiny pieces. The animal does not die. Rather, all the pieces reassemble until the sponge returns to its original form.

(Absolute Trivia Web site)

Stress Happens

I never realized there was such a difference between making a suggestion and making a decision.

(Football coach Dan Daily)

Bank on Your Brain

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.

(Benjamin Franklin)

Cutting-edge Wisdom

Grass is always greener on the other side, till you have to mow it.

(Anthony Klco)

Ego, Ergo

Absurdity – a statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.

(Ambrose Bierce)

And God Said, Guilty

Dear God, no use tryin’ to kid You… You know I done it.

(Dennis the Menace)

Do (Not) Be fooled

Anything parenthesis can (not) be ignored.

(coolsing.com)

A Traveling Band

Waiting in line at the grocery store, I noticed a woman wearing a colorful wristband with the initials "WWJD." Curious, I asked her, "What does it stand for?" "What Would Jesus Do?" she replied. Then with a smile, she removed her bracelet and gave it to me. I was touched. A perfect stranger had relayed a powerful message. Since that day, I often ask myself, "What Would Jesus Do?" and it challenges me to act in a Christian fashion even when it’s not easy. Plus, I get to share my faith with others, because anyone who asks what the initials represent gets my bracelet.

(Lynn McAllister Girven)

Better Than Houdini

Recently, I was strolling though the enormous Shrine of the Immaculate Conception in Washington, D.C., with my 5-year-old son, Sean Patrick. We came across a huge and graphic crucifix. Looking up at the lance wound in Jesus’ side, the crown of thorns, and the whip lashes, Sean was horrified. He asked what had happened to his friend Jesus, and I explained. It shook him up badly. We walked on, silently, until we came across an equally huge, but empty, marble cross. "Look, Dad," Sean yelled, "Good news! Jesus escaped!"

(John Tuohy)

Golf

- Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

- There’s no game like golf; you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

- An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Making Cents

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there’s a decimal point involved.

Not Fair

When you’re 8 years old, nothing is your business.

(Lenny Bruce)

Too Easy

A calm sea does not make a skilled sailor.

(African proverb)

Don’t Look!

My face in the mirror
Isn’t wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn’t dirty
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.

(Anonymous)

Toot, Toot

Winners of a New York magazine contest were asked to take a well-known foreign expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.

RESPONDEZ S’IL VOUS PLAID:
Honk if you’re Scottish.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
Can you drive a French motorcycle?

COGITO EGGO SUM:
I think; therefore I am a waffle.

POSH MORTEM:
Death styles of the rich and famous.

QUIP PRO QUO:
A fast retort.

Just Do It

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

(George Eliot)

Cabbie With a Big Heart

When the cab arrived, I got in crying and shaking. After a block or two, the driver quietly asked what was wrong.
I Explained I was all alone and on my way to the hospital for surgery. Upon our arrival, he walked me to the door. “Wait here,” he said. Moments later, he came back with a long-stemmed rose. “I’ll be praying for you,” he said.
All of a sudden, my tears and fears melted away. The love and concern of a stranger saw me through that ordeal.  

(Sharon Johnson)

Don’t Nap Now

My 2-year-old daughter was in the waiting room with me while her older sister was being examined by a dentist.  She kept herself busy playing with toys until she noticed that I was sitting with my eyes closed.  With six other patients waiting, my daughter marched up to me and shook my shoulder.  “Mommy,” she yelled, “wake up!  This is not church!”

(Friday Funnies)

The church basement was crowded with families gathered for the parish directory photo session.  My 4-year-old grandson, Reuben, had never been in a church and was begging me to go upstairs.  With childish wonder, he asked about the big gold box on the table.  I explained that it was a tabernacle and Jesus lived there.  He just stood there quietly examining the tabernacle until someone in the sacristy coughed.  Reuben bolted from the sanctuary and ran downstairs. “Grandpa, Grandpa, guess what?” he yelled.  “Jesus lives in a gold box with no doorknob and he has a cold!”

(Claudette Therriault)

In Austria, a man went to a priest and confessed. "Forgive me, Father, he said sobbing. "During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," the priest replied, "that’s not a sin." "But," the man admitted, "I made him pay rent." "That wasn’t very nice," the priest said, "but you put yourself at risk." "Oh, thank you, Father," the man said. "But I have one more question." "What is it?" "Do you think I have to tell him the war is over?"

(Anita Bartholom)

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. “Yes sir,” the boy replied. “And so you always say them in the morning too?” the pastor asked. “No sir,” the boy replied, “I ain’t scared in the daytime.”

(The Treasury of Clean Church Jokes)

When my daughter Kelli was 3, she and my son Cody would say their nightly prayers together.  As most children do, they would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal, current and past.  For several weeks after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say “And all girls.”  My curiosity finally got the best of me.  “Kelli,” I asked, “why do you always add the part about all girls?”  “Because,” she replied, “we always finish our prayers by saying All men!”

(JokeBank)

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.  “Whales can’t swallow people, “ the teacher said.  “Even though they are large mammals, their throats are very small.”  “But Jonah was swallowed by a whale,” the little girl replied.  “That just can’t be,” the teacher said.  “It’s physically impossible.”  “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah,” said the little girl.  The teacher looked down at her, smiled and asked, “what if Jonah went to hell?  The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

The little old lady had finally had enough and called the police. “Officer”, she said when he arrived, “I want you to walk to the people next door. Every night they’ve been pounding on my wall and yelling at me till four o’clock in the morning.”
„I guess you can’t get a wink of sleep,” the officer said sympathetically.
„Oh, it isn’t that,” the lady explained. „It’s that with all the pounding and yelling, I can’t enjoy my piano playing.”

Rather a Rabbit

Judy’s 3-year-old niece went to Big Sister Class. Somebody asked her: “Would you like a little brother or a little sister?” “I’d rather have a bunny,” she replied.

(Catholic Digest)

Don’t Get them Started…

Fanatics are people who can’t change their minds and won’t change the subject.

(Catholic Digest)

- The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.

- Remember the banana – when it left the bunch, it got skinned.

- The teacher asked her pupils to tell the meaning of loving kindness. A little boy jumped up and said, “Well, if I was hungry and someone gave me a piece of bread, that would be kindness. But if they put a little jelly on it, that would be loving kindness.”

Obscure Proverbs

- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Dogged by His Behavior

WHILE SPENDING a week at a Jesuit retreat center, I enjoyed quiet morning walks on the nearby country roads. I never met any other hikers until one day, a man approached with a large dog on a leash. As they came closer, the dog began to bark wildly, strained at the leash, then lunged toward me.
I was a bit nervous until the owner leaned toward me: „Don’t believe a word he says!”

(Sr. Alice Roepke - “Catholic Digest”)

Keeping Up With the Consequences

My 6-year-old grandson, Billy, was misbehaving, so his mother told him, “When you do bad things, you have to live with the consequences.”

Without pause, he asked eagerly, “Do they have a pool?”

(Suzan L. Wiener – “Catholic Digest”)

Electronic Testing – Computer Terms

BIT:  A word used to describe computers, as in “Our son’s computer cost quite a bit.”

DISK:  What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a
            clip.

HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes, and other heavy equipment you haven’t laid a
                         finger on since getting your computer.

(„Catholic Digest”)

A couple had two boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened” The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.
God is missing – and they think WE did it!”

FRIEND IN GOOD WEEPING

One spring afternoon, I came home to find two little girls on the steps of my building. Both were crying hard, shedding big tears. Thinking they might be hurt, I dropped my briefcase and quickly went over to them. “Are you all right?” I asked.
Still sobbing, one held up her doll. “My baby’s arm came off,” she said.
I took the doll and its disjointed arm. After a little effort and luck, the doll was again whole.
“Thank you,” came a whisper. Next, looking into the tearful eyes of her friend, I asked, “and what’s the matter with you, young lady?”
She wiped her cheeks. “I was helping her cry,” she said.

(Ronald S. Combs – “Catholic Digest”)

FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING.

PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:

(Madeleine Champagne)

THREE-FOR-THREE: Following his first softball practice, I asked our 6 year-old grandson Eddy how many hits he’d gotten. “Just three,” he replied. “One ball hit my head, and two hit my leg.”

(Thomas LaMance)

URBAN MYTH: When the teacher asked the difference between one yard and two yards, my then 7-year-old granddaughter Elizabeth had a ready reply: “A fence!”

(Suzan L. Wiener)

“Stand up if you want to go to heaven!” the preacher exhorted his congregation.
The worshipers rose as one, with the exception of a man in the front pew.  “Are you telling me you do not want to go to heaven?” the preacher thundered.  “Yes, when I die” the man responded.
“But I thought you were getting up a load right now.”

LOSING FACE

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.  Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”  Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Mrs. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

Mommy's Little  Angel

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out, and in and out, and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, “For Heaven’s sake, “Jimmy, come in or stay out!”

The "But" in the Brightness Button

I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence.  They have one marked Brightness, but it doesn't work, does it?

(comedian Gallagher)

Happy Home Recipe

4 cups of love, 2 cups of loyalty, 3 cups of forgiveness, 1 cup of friendship, 5 spoons of hope, 2 spoons of tenderness, 4 cups of faith, 1 barrel of laughter.  Bake with sunshine.  Serve generously.

Welcome to My World

It was the final hour of a one-day sale in a fancy department store, and a harried clerk was making out another sales slip.  As the customer was writing a home address on the credit card receipt, the clerk looked up a the number of shoppers waiting and wearily said, “It’s a madhouse, isn’t it?”

“No,” the customer replied, “it’s a private residence.”

(Suzan L. Wiener)

A missionary traveling through the jungle came suddenly upon a lion.  With no hope of escape, he dropped to his knees in anxious prayer.  Minutes later, comforted and still alive, he noticed the lion was also on his knees.

"Dear lion," the missionary exclaimed.  "How good to know you’re a Christian lion.  Only moments ago I was afraid for my life."

"Quiet!" snapped the lion.  "I’m saying grace."

(Church Editor)

A cardinal was approached one day in the cathedral by a very excited young priest. “Your Eminence,” the priest cried, “a woman claims to have seen a vision of the Saviour in the chapel. What should we do?” “Look  busy,” the cardinal said. “Look busy.”

An ADULT is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
middle.

A COMMITTEE is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

TOLD  IN  THE  COLD

When the church furnace went out, we sat shivering in the pews.
“Many are cold”, our pastor announced, “but few are frozen.”

(John  J. Vogel)

HUGS

It’s wondrous what a hug can do,
A hug can cheer you when you’re blue
A hug can say, “I love you so,”
Or “Gee! I hate to see you go”
The hug! There’s just no doubt about it,
We scarcely could survive without it.
A hug delight and warms and charms,
It must be why God gave us arms.
Hugs are great for fathers and mothers,
Sweet for sisters, swell for brothers.
And chances are some favourite aunts
Love them more than potted plants.

Turn Off That Music

A man went to his doctor complaining that he heard music in his head every time ho wore his hat. The doctor could find nothing wrong and suggested that the patient see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist took the hat into another room and when he returned with it he asked the man to put it on.  The music was gone.  Astonished, the man asked the psychiatrist what he had done.

“I removed the band.”

Signs of the Times:

Plumbing Truck:  “We repair what your husband fixed.”

Pizza shop slogan:“7 days without pizza makes one Weak.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:“Invite us to your next blowout.”

A woman died and went to heaven.  St. Peter said to her, “Before you enter, can you tell me God’s first name?”  She thought about it a moment and then said, “Andy.”  St. Peter was astonished and asked, “How did you come up with Andy?’  “Well,” the woman replied, “we sing it in church all the time.  Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own.”

For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.  One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.  The six-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.  The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"  Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

The Faith Gene.

A Parochial School superintendent asked a class of kindergartners to raise their hands if they believed in God. Every child’s hand went up. “Now,” the superintendent said, “tell me why you believe in God.” There was silence until a small voice from the back piped up. “I think it runs in our family.”

The Numbers Don't Lie.

Before Polish Cardinal Karol Wojtyla was elected pope, he was asked if it really was decorous for a cardinal to ski. “We consider it normal,” he responded. “Half the cardinals in Poland ski.” At the time, Poland had two cardinals (Wyszynski and Wojtyla).

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words because they have to repeat everything they say to men. Looking stunned, he said, “What?”

LOOP THE LOOP

A farmer and his wife asked a pilot the cost of a short flight for two. “$100,” replied the pilot. “Oh, we can’t afford that,” said the farmer. “OK,” said the pilot, “I’ll take you up, and it won’t cost you anything if you don’t make a sound. But if you do you pay.” They agreed. In the air the pilot used every stunt he knew. When they landed, he turned to the farmer and said, “By golly, you win. You didn’t make a sound.” The farmer said, “Yep, but I almost screamed when the wife fell out.”

One hot, crowded summer morning at church, my son kept telling me he needed a drink. I directed his attention to the priest, who was talking about sacrificing to build a bigger church. Suddenly, my son perked up. “Mom,” he asked, “where is it?” “Where is what?” I asked. “The sack of ice,” he said. “That would be better than a drink!”

(Lady Lourdes)

The following statements about the Bible were written by children & have not been retouched or corrected:

Quotes from Mark Twain…

Question:  Who was the fastest human being?
Answer:   ADAM – he was the first in the human race.

Question: Who was the biggest babysitter?
Answer:   DAVID – because he rocked Goliath.

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, „Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, „Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this reveletion for while and then said, „Momma, how come ALL grandma’s hairs are white?”

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

„Just think how nice it will be to look at when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael. He’s a doctor.”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, „And there’s the teacher. She’s dead.”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.  She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.  As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.  The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”  The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”  Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. “How did that happen?,” Gasped her mother.  “It wasn’t easy”, admitted the young lady, “but three girls helped me catch him.”

A mother was teaching her 3 year old the Lord’s prayer.  For several evenings, at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother.  One night she was ready to solo.  The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word up to the end of the prayer.  "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "But deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

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